My ex is probably out having drinks with some woman he met. The one who looks like me. I am actually fairly certain of this. And it's driving me crazy. Why am I the only one who has to mourn and feel guilty and be alone?
I am feeling abandoned again even though I vowed to make peace with him. So much for being friends. Sometimes, I get this idea that I should get this blog address to him, anonymously. He asked me how I was doing via email and I regaled him with stories of the last few months. Simple things and silly things, some fun and some not. Not a word about how I cry myself to sleep some nights.
I don't even know if it's him that I miss or if this is about the abortion. Both, I suppose. I've admitted as much before.
Today I went to the bookstore where I have started volunteering. It's a good place for me to be -- friendly but aloof. Friends sometimes make me feel bad. It's easier to be with strangers because you can pretend to be your best self even though you've got a little bug in your heart.
Blogging is not fun. But I keep doing it anyway. I am at the point now where I don't feel entitled to blabber to my friends, as if enough time has gone by and I should be well on way to being fine. That's not untrue, exactly. I am so fine some days that I can almost believe everything is better. But then there are these nights.
Hi, I came across your blog today (it was linked to another abortion blog I was reading earlier). I, too, have had an abortion & find myself relating to much of what you are writing. It has been a few years now but I remember how painful, depressing, & lonely those first few months were.
ReplyDeleteIt feels cliche to say that it will get better with time -- but it did for me. Although, I hate to admit that every once in a while I have days where it's excruciatingly hard. I suppose today is one of those days... hence the reason I'm searching the internet for abortion blogs so I don't feel so lonely with my feelings.
I guess I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. So many women can relate to how you're feeling right now. Unfortunately we have to resort to blogs to find the support we desire.
I'm getting better and then I get worse. Isn't that weird?
ReplyDeleteI've also pretty much given up on the idea that I'm going to find someplace to go to talk all this over. It's my therapist or bust. And as you said, time.
I hope you're feeling better.
--reticent diarist
I had an abortion about a month ago. I too, struggled to find blogs, stories, personal accounts. I am starting my own blog and I have a page with a collection of all the other blogs and resources I could find.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.wix.com/abortiondiary/journey
click on shared and support at the bottom left. The diary portion of the site (my blog) isn't finished, but hopefully the other resources will be helpful!
ps thank you for being brave enough to write about this sensitive and difficult topic
Thank you for your comment, Journey. And for the link. I don't know how to address you. :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's a strange feeling. I keep going back to wanting to say that it cannot be put into words, but I keep trying just that.
--RD