This and That

A few weeks ago, lying on an examination table at the hospital, an oncologist brought in to read her lab results told CC that she was "not terminal."  Magic words to anyone in her position, as you can well imagine.  CC said she'd just been examined and was naked.  When the doctor told her this news, she sat up and hugged him.  The sheet covering her chest slipped off so she was hugging the stranger/doctor with her bare breasts pressed against him.  The doctor awkwardly extricated himself from her arms.  CC's mother laughed and cried.

Two days ago, she saw the doctor at the drugstore and they nodded curtly at each other.  I told her she should have said, "So doctor man, do you recognize me with my clothes on?" to break the ice.  I'm not sure if she found that amusing at all.

My friend Maya is pregnant again.  Ten weeks.  I imagine her agonizing over how to tell me and another friend of ours.  For Maya's first pregnancy, she debated on how to tell our friend June who'd had a miscarriage. And now there is me with the abortion.

Odd how I don't feel bad for myself.  I'm happy for Maya.  And for myself, I am -- I don't know.  The same.  I can't compare our lives.  June, the other friend, said she felt slightly jealous and then felt guilty about it. What will I say about Maya's new baby next week?

I put my picture up on the blog profile.  Not sure for what purpose.  Suddenly, I want someone to see my face -- this is me, the one who's been writing all this.  This is what I mean when I say that I vacillate between standing out and being lost.

This probably has a lot to do with being a writer.  Obviously there is a part of you that craves recognition.  And there is the part that is embarrassed for wanting that.  Any maybe a part that doesn't believe s/he deserves it.  And hubris -- I am not one of those fame whores!

We are all fame whores, in our way.  This is the conclusion I'm coming to.  Not in a bad way.

The last few days have been strange for me. Incredibly busy, sad in some ways, good in most ways.

I've been avoiding A.  I suppose it helps that I'm obsessing about the possibility of something actually happening with AL.  If that doesn't work out, what happens then?

So I'm not nuts but I still don't know what I'm doing.

I talked to my father this morning.  When we catch each other off-guard, I am amazed at how we get each other.  How much I absolutely love him.

My friend Lyna asked me about my dad the other night -- how could I forgive him for having the affair with my mother's sister all those years ago and how could my mother forgive him.  Why do I refuse to have any contact with my aunt but continue to be, for lack of a better description, devoted to my dad?

The only answer is that I won't trade my dad in.  I will not lose him for anyone.

I often think about my family and loyalty and realize that I am one of the most loyal people I know.  This is not a compliment, by the way.  Sometimes I think it's a wretched quality to have.  There are some people I will forgive anything.  I don't know what that says about me. That I have no self respect?  That I am a good person?  That I am stupid?

Love is crazy.  I am crazy when I love someone.  Is everyone like this?  I don't think so.  Even A -- who didn't want our baby, who didn't want to have a real life with me, who found someone else to fuck so quickly. I still love him.

Love is for suckers.

More Words about CC

My dear CC continues to be in good spirits.  That is an inadequate sentence to describe how happy she is today. The lightness in her voice makes me catch my breath.

She asked me to go to some chemo sessions with her.  She is also getting her head shaved on Friday. A wig-fitting. At some point, she will have her breasts photographed.  She asked me to go with her for the pictures but doesn't want me around for the head-shaving.  She said losing her hair is private, the titty pictures, not so much. Has she separated herself from the boobs already?

What will the wig fitting be like?  Like shopping for a new dress?

I am not even trying to understand how she must feel because that would be, in a way, belittling her experience.

None of us, not her mother or her family or her boyfriend, have any idea what this is like.  I don't want to sound like a sap, but in acknowledging the limits of what I can do for her and what I can understand, I am honoring her. Just for hanging in there.  For being able to sleep at night and going to work today.

Good News Monday

The best news about CC  -- well not the best because the cancer is still there.  But according to Cornell, it's totally curable and in the beginning stages.

Phew.  I cannot even begin to say how relieved I am.  My CC is going to be fine.