The title of this post and the first line are both song titles. Can I write a post consisting entirely of lyrics from different songs to convey how I feel? Probably. But I'm won't do it.
A month ago, I decided [wait for it, it's cheesy] to say yes to everything. That meant having a flurry of activity day after day. Dinner dates and lunches, barbeques in New Jersey, nights spent at wine bars drinking too much prosecco. I'm not complaining.
I joined an online dating service and I have two dates this weekend. One of the men seems --right. But how do you know that from emails and chats? I don't know. Maybe he will turn out to be all wrong.
I told my friend Anna that I had an abortion. She was very sympathetic -- she offered me her house for as long as I needed it, somewhere to get away she said. Then she told me she'd had an abortion too. She said it quite blithely.
Am I ever going to be able to say it that easily? "Oh yeah, I once had to get all my wisdom teeth pulled in one day." She said it that lightly.
She has twins now, conceived through in vitro. It helps to be able to have a kind of replacement for what has been lost, I suppose.
My ex is definitely dating that woman. How did I know?
I think I am going to be sad about this abortion forever. It makes me feel better to say that, because admitting it also means that I can stop chasing after some kind of panacea to that will remove the stone from my heart.
I will live with this sadness. I'll be okay.
I think the sadness is something that will never truly leave us. I feel that having my abortion was undoubtedly one of the best choices I have ever made but also the most difficult. Funny how the hardest things to do are the ones that are the best for you. I will always feel a strange mix of emotions when thinking of my abortion: sadness, loss, grief, courage, relief...
ReplyDelete