The morning crazies come in two forms -- helpless crying (that's abortion-related these days) and stalking (that is ex boyfriend-related, always). I don't know what I feel worse about.
Well, since I vowed to be as honest as I could be with this blog, I will admit that it is the boyfriend who makes me feel worse. I think less of myself for not being able to shake him, for responding to his ridiculously casual emails wherein we both pretend there is nothing left to say. When you get down to it, the man really didn't love me all that much. Forget about the pregnancy for a minute and I'd still say that he didn't love me much at all. I was a pleasant diversion who had funny things to say and a compatible sex drive. So my pride is smashed to bits every time I miss him.
I went out on another blah date last night. The man was short, shy and not into me. And I didn't mind at all. I had a nice time anyway. Sometimes it's a great relief for me to talk to total strangers.
Do other people understand their motives for bringing new people into their lives as well as I do mine? Some people have booze. I turn to strangers.
I want new people because it's the closest I can get to stop being myself. When I think of myself now this is what I see -- someone who willingly made a fool of herself for a man, who got rid of a baby she loved more than she can ever say because she could not bear the thought of the baby paying the price for her bad judgements.
The thing about strangers is that if we become friends or lovers, I will go out of my way trying to get them to know me. So first I want to be no one and then I will want to be myself again. Does that even makes sense?
Wow, if I keep posting these kinds of entries, I will never gain a wide readership. Ha.
There are a few funny things I can share about my life. It's not been a completely shitty few months. But whenever I sit down to post, the last thing I want to be is funny. Go figure.
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