Any Day Now

My therapist told me about an episode in Sex and the City where Carrie confesses that she'd had an abortion and when asked how long it took her to get over it she replied, "any day now."

I was never a big fan of that show, but there were times when certain episodes, certain lines, resonated. 

Right now, I could honestly say my "any day now" has come.  But that would be silly.  

What is true is that I've gotten better. More than I thought possible.  I am better about my ex, I am better about the aborted fetus.  I think of that fetus not as a baby but as something more than a lump of cells that had to be gotten rid of.  Where does that leave me? 

Another thing I'm noticing -- as I make this uneasy peace with the abortion, my sorrow over my ex diminishes.  I don't understand why -- there was a relationship before there was a pregnancy. But now I see the weak spots in the relationship -- what held me back from introducing him to my family even though I loved him to pieces, what kept me from embracing the reality that "I LOVE THIS MAN."

It was never meant to last because we disagreed about children.  It was never going to last because I have always wanted someone who would be able to provide for children, even when I was blissfully lying to myself about the desire for children.

My ex and I got into a kind of fight the other day. He kept on wanting to see me to return a book.  I kept on saying no, use the post office.  I was surprised at the absence of desire to see him. I was sad, sure. But I was not for one minute tempted.  Suddenly he seems flimsy -- how can I say that about someone I miss so much? I am done.

I wish I could say more about the abortion/baby/fetus.  But it was hardly there at all.  There is nothing to say.

Tonight I'm going to Lincoln Center. I will sit somewhere with my girlfriend and we will talk about the men we meet.  I will tell her about the one night stand I had the other day.  I will tell her how it made me feel better and she will tell me that she would like to do what I have done.

Maybe I'll tell her about a man I've been corresponding with via email.  I call it my e-epistolary romance. Will we ever meet?  Does it matter?  I'm stealing comfort from strangers who don't even know what they are giving me.

If it's a nice night, I will go home in a fog of love for New York City and a kind of loneliness that I like.  I will probably tear up. It will be fun.  No sarcasm there.