Where do I go from here?

It’s lovely out today – from my north-facing windows in my apartment, I can see the sun.  If you lived in New York City, you would know that most apartments face other buildings, that sometimes all you get is a shaft of light falling between buildings. I haven’t gone out yet and it’s nearly six in the evening.  

After a pretty good, though uneventful day, I started thinking about my abortion a few minutes ago.  I am shocked that I have nowhere to turn now.  There seems to be no support groups, no other friends who can say that they know what I’m talking about.  There are a few online organizations, but I hesitate to contact them because what I want right now is a face to look at when I say that I don’t know what to do with myself now.

If it’s going to be an online communication with total strangers, I may as well write here, write to no one.  Or maybe to someone who will stumble upon this blog and know what I’m talking about. If you're out there, say something. 

Soon after I had the abortion, my boyfriend and I broke up.  Sometimes I think I was too hasty in ending the relationship – maybe he needed more time to process what happened, maybe he would soon tell me how he felt, maybe everything someday. Or maybe nothing.

Something has changed in me that I can’t name. 

I felt more alone when he was in the same room as me.  And I knew that he was happy for me to keep my thoughts to myself. I love him still and wonder why that wasn't enough. Then I think of that pregnancy -- I loved that thing too.  But it wasn't enough because I couldn't give it a willing father. I couldn't risk ruining three lives. 

So two losses – a fetus/baby/lump of cells and a man I had hoped I could share my life with.  Perhaps it's three losses.  What have I done to my future? Will I ever forgive myself for this? Will I ever have the chance to have a child?

When the boyfriend and I came to the end of our relationship, he didn’t argue with me.  He said he was sorry.  Maybe that is the greatest sorrow to me.  That neither I nor that baby was worth enough to fight for.  Maybe I am horrified at myself for not fighting harder.