Five Months

Today is it five months since the abortion. I don't know if I ever said when I did it. Maybe I lied before, made it seem like more time has passed.

Sometimes, I'm not so consistent. I don't mean to lie.  

This morning, I told my ex A (via email) that I was sick over the weekend. He called me in a panic wanting to know if I had a fever, what my temperature was, if I was going to see a doctor, if I had food, etc.  Nice boyfriend stuff from my very nice and definitely EX boyfriend.  It was lovely to be thought of and now I feel awful about it.

See, I did it on purpose. I was being manipulative. I wanted to hear his voice today. It's funny that I didn't even realize what I was doing until I heard the phone ring.  We talked for ten minutes. I told him I was fine.  I never mentioned the abortion at all.

I want to talk about how hard it is to know that two people love each other but have to separate.  That seems like the most logical paragraph to compose.  And I do think about that.  I also think a lot about how he didn't love me enough. Is that true?  I don't know.

Five months -- I can hardly stand it.