Bitter Winter Day

This morning, on the Downtown 2 train, it was very crowded.  There was a bike at rush hour.  Woman 1 got on at 72nd Street.  She shoved me, Woman 2 and everyone else around her.

Woman 2 snarled: "Excuse me."

Woman 1: "Wouldn't you just love it if I got my leg got cut off?"

Woman 2 shakes head. "Jesus."

Woman 1: "You would wouldn't you? You'd be happy."

Woman 2: "Oh give it a rest. 'Wouldn't you just love it if my leg were cut off?' Jesus."

Woman 1: "Shut the fuck up."

Woman 2: "Okay, since you asked me so politely."

Woman 1: "Fuck you."

Woman 2: "Fuck you...." (repeat several more times)

Random little girl I couldn't see: "Mommy, why is everyone so mad?"

Mommy: "When you're older you'll get it."

Random little girl: "Like pubic hair?"

Mommy: "For the love of God, that is inside conversation. Shut up."

Everyone started laughing, even Women 1 and 2. 

Random biker dude: "If anyone touches my motherfucking bike one more time, I'm gonna kill ya'll." 

And the doors opened at 42nd Street.

I never saw the kid or Woman 1's face.  I just saw the back of her head.

Someone left a comment on this blog with a link.  Well, it wasn't a comment, it was an invitation to view Japanese porn or something like that.  Can't that jerk see that this blogger is making an earnest attempt to get a life? 

I saw my shrink yesterday, and (surprise!) I told her things I didn't think I could share. As I was walking to the  bus, I felt resentful of her. 

Reading Anagrams and don't think I will finish it. I'm on page 30-something and there's already been an abortion. Of course, there can't possibly be two abortions in one novel could there?   When I got to the abortion / pregnancy plot line, my heart sank.  I can't even think of another way to say it.  I'm not against it, I don't think it's bad, but I simply do not want to read about it.  Even if it's fiction.  The odd thing is that I keep seeing it.  If I hear about someone who had an abortion and didn't feel that bad, I start to think I'm a freak and that I made the wrong decision. I drive myself crazy trying to quantify the loss of something that was never there. 

It turns out my friend Tom was right -- this whole mess nearing its one year anniversary is going to tear me apart a little. He didn't say it in so many words, but there you have it.

It's time for another good cry. I've been trying for days now but it doesn't seem to be in me anymore. 

I do not want to turn into that woman in the subway.