On Writing (or not writing)

I reread bits of the novel that I work on sporadically.  It is not bad. Not the novel itself -- that remains to be seen and I have to write a lot more in order for me or anyone to make an assessment.  Just the writing.  I am liking the way I write lately.

So why don't I do more of it?

Halloween and I am home.  I was out all day, first at the bookstore where I volunteer and then at an Indian restaurant and then at another restaurant.

I've been meeting quite a few black women lately.  And I am always curious at the way they react to me.  First the reaction is guarded. And then I seem to find the right thing to say and I am somehow allowed into a club I am happy to visit but have no intention of ever staying in.

One of the women I met was Caroline. She was lovely in her sequined turquoise shawl. She is a med student at Ann Arbor and originally from Nigeria. She wouldn't look at me at first and whenever I said anything, she seemed to tense up.  Then I shared the story from high school -- how three African American girls threatened to beat me up and how I unwittingly made things worse by acting, well, like myself.  She couldn't stop laughing.  But apparently she went through the same thing when she moved to the States.  She went to the high school close to where I went to school.  By the end of the evening, she was leaning towards me and engaging me in conversation.

Is that the secret to being liked? Find the right anecdote that will resonate with someone and suddenly they deem you worthy of their company?

I'm not complaining.  I completely accept that there are certain things that draw people to each other, rules we must all follow even though we might not understand them.

But what is the thing that wins people over?  It's more than an anecdote.  It is an "IT," like sex appeal. Similar but only to certain point.

That is something my parents used to say.  They called sexiness IT. Someone had strong IT.  It doesn't translate well to English.

I have IT in the friendship department.  I discuss this with my shrink endlessly. People are drawn to me -- men women children. Even if at first they don't like me, something will happen and they will inevitably fall in (friend) love with me. This doesn't apply to romantic relationships. There I need help.

I worry when I discuss this that I sound conceited.  Maybe that is so.  But really, I'm puzzled.  What the fuck is IT? Why do I have it?  Why doesn't my sister?

And in all honesty, it is sometimes suffocating and lonely.  I don't like too many people.  I can tolerate just about anyone, but after an hour, I want to go home.

Well, I've annoyed myself now.  But hopefully you are not annoyed with me, reader (me?).