Don't Care About Thinking Up a Title Now

My aunt Lydia died last night.  After the floods in Manila two weeks ago, my cousin Corina died. It's a lot for one family, however large.  Aunt Lydia was my mother's oldest surviving sibling.  Now the oldest one is Gloria. There is a story about her that I always mean to write about but have a hard time with.  Maybe someday.

My sister, who lives in the Philippines, will be going to two funerals in one month. Less than a month. Our big crazy family is shrinking fast--my generation of cousins are not as prolific as their parents when it comes to making more babies.

The days continue to be shitty but less so.  I saw A last night -- an impromptu non-date wherein he invited me to have dinner and go to a screening of short films in the Lower East Side. It is funny how I can feel such love and disappointment and disgust for him. All at the same time.  I ended the evening early and going home after dinner.  I couldn't stand the thought of sitting next to him in a theater as if I'm his girlfriend.

After the show, he called me on his way home.  I imagined that before he called me, he called his girlfriend first. Then he talked to me till 2 a.m. My jealous streak  gets quite a workout with him.

I think of AL often.  Today I looked at his Facebook picture and asked myself, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" I wonder if he thought the same thing when he looked at my picture.  Of course, I am assuming he's looked at my picture post break up. How did I let it go on for so long without it dawning on me that he didn't like me all that much?  I don't usually get blindsided by these things -- I'm too paranoid, intuitive or whatever you want to call it.

There are a lot of things for me to write about but I simply don't have the energy at the moment.  I'd forgotten how exhausting working can be. What a relief it can be.

I wish I had less to think about regarding A.  He invited to spend Thanksgiving with him and his mother.  I was expecting the invitation but was disgusted anyway.  He is being nice and a little sentimental.  He did the same thing with his ex-wife. I remember having a fit about it years ago.

I am drained. I don't know how long this will last.  All these months of being a little crazy and always sad -- why am I feeling this exhaustion now?

Did I mention that I am taking a break from men?  Does A count?  He's really the one that needs to go away.  I don't understand what this is between us.  Does having a having a dead fetus in common tie us together?

When I see my mother in a few days, how will I be?  Of course, now that her sister has died, her sorrow trumps mine. But it doesn't matter -- when I see her, I will be a little happy and a little sad, and I will want her to be the kind of mother she's never been.  She will cry louder than I will and have more to say.  That's the way it is.

It'll be strange to go to CA after all that's happened.  I said this about Anthony -- that I wish we'd met last year, when I was a totally different person.  It'll be that way with my family -- I'll wonder if they know that I'm different now, I'll wish I was the same.