Goodbye to All That?

My ex showed up on Friday night carrying a bunch of flowers.  When I saw him, it was as if no time at all had passed and I put my arms around him.  But his body felt different, leaner and harder and not quite right next to mine.

I wrote a letter to the dead fetus.  He wrote a letter to the dead fetus. Then we went to dinner and A playfully grabbed at the sleeve of my sweater, where my hand would be if I were wearing the sweater properly (I had slung it over my shoulders). 

We went to the church, two atheists starting at the imposing doors, church closed to us. We walked to the park, my first time there at night. We walked towards the water and I cried. Oh did I cry.  I don't know how long we stayed there.  I don't know what I was feeling when I wasn't crying.

I wrote a letter to the baby I chose not to have.  I will never see that letter again and maybe it's just as well. 

I don't know how A was feeling. 

We went back to my apartment and he told me about his new girl.  I told him about my little dates, my infatuation with Michael and how quickly it passed.  Then we went to bed and at first we only held each other. I couldn't stand the feel of clothes separating us so I peeled off my shirt and we had sex and we slept and woke up and had breakfast and said goodbye.

I don't know what happens now. I haven't cried at all since.

What I'm Doing on My Summer Vacation

I talked to A again last night. He came up with this: that we should go to my therapist together and that we should have a ceremony for our baby (I keep wanting to call it aborted fetus but it is hard for me to say that these days).

With some reservation but no hesitation, I agreed to the ceremony. Does it mean I have to say goodbye to my baby? To A? That's what it feels like is what will happen. Isn't that what funerals are for?

I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye to my baby. I want to say I'm sorry. That I can't deny. But goodbye? Holy shit. To leave it twice?

So A and I are doing it this Friday. I don't know what will happen or how we are going to do it. I don't know if it's just an excuse for me to see A. Maybe it doesn't matter. I have to cancel my Friday plans.

There's something nagging at me, that I am cancelling a stupid pseudo date so I can see my ex so the two of us can be sad about our aborted baby. This translates to me turning my back on a possible new thing that could be part of my future for a man who has quite clearly stated that he is part of my past.

How many points do I get if I talk about love? That I made a baby with him and that means something to me?

It is not likely that A and I will go to see my shrink together. That offer, he told me, was just for me. It was nice gesture on his part, but that seems wrong to me. You go to therapy together to fix things and clearly we are trying to walk away from each other.

Maybe we'll go to Riverside Park. I want to do it there but haven't told A. Selfishly, I wonder what happens after we have our little ceremony -- will I forever associate the park with my saying goodbye to my little baby and my love and never want to go back? Or will I keep going back revisiting my memories? None of these are appealing options.

Am I ready to say goodbye to my baby? Which baby am I talking about? Will A hate me if I am not? Will A and I become friends? I think we already are, in a way.

I am having a hard time looking at myself right now - too maudlin.